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A merry heart truly does good, like a medicine; so there is healing in laughter. Laughter is not just a good idea, it is a God idea. Want to incorporate laughter into your life-style? Memorize jokes so well that you can tell others. Learn to laugh at your challenges, including those the devil attempts to send your way. Jesus never reacted to him, except by laughing. There is a strong protective power in laughter, especially involving the immunological system. Incidentally, there is no intention here to offend anyone by the anecdotes in this section. |
Mr. Ginsberg finally retires and makes plans to visit Israel, his life-long dream. He wants to see everything there. The bus lets him off at the Wailing Wall, and he wanders around for a while and then walks over to where a man is standing facing the wall. Mr. Ginsberg stares at this scene and, as the man turns and is about to leave, he engages him in conversation.
He says, "Excuse me, I am Mr. Ginsberg from Brooklyn. I am retired and want to learn everything I can about Israel. What are you doing?"
The man answers, "I'm praying."
He responds, "What are you praying about?"
"I am praying about my wife not yelling so often, the kids listening to me, the boss giving me a raise."
Mr. Ginsberg says, "Does it work?"
"No, it's like talking to a wall."
Mom is cleaning her house and asks her little boy, "Timothy, please go get the broom in the hallway closet."
He comes back and says, "Mom, I can't go in there. It's too dark and scary. I'm afraid!
She answers, "There's no one in there except Jesus. Now go get me the broom!"
Timothy goes back to the closet and opens the door and says, "Jesus, would you please hand me the broom?
Mrs. Goldberg passes on and reaches heaven at the Pearly Gates where there are paved roads of gold. St. Peter introduces himself and greets her. After a brief chat, she asks St. Peter for a special favor, because she would like to visit with Jesus' mother, Mary. St. Peter is hesitant because Mary is on the other side, but tells her, because her records reveal she cared for so many people, he would arrange for the meeting.
The following morning Mrs. Goldberg and Mary are sitting together in the Eden Garden Lounge and talking.
Mrs. Goldberg says, "Mary, my whole life I wanted to meet you and talk to you and I especially wanted to ask you this very important question.
Mary says, "Of course."
"Are you happy about the way your son, Jesus, turned out?"
Mary says, "To tell you the truth, Mrs. Goldberg, I always wanted a doctor."
A preacher leaving the church sees an old man walking past him slightly tipsy. He calls to the man and leads him to the back of the church where there is a pool surrounded by a garden. He has him kneal. as if to pray and pushes his head under the water for five seconds.
As the man brings his head up out of the water, the preacher says, "Did you find Jesus?"
Before he can answer, the preacher does it again, but this time he keeps his head under the water for almost ten seconds. When he allows his head to pop up again he asks him, "Did you find Jesus?"
The old man, still shaking his head from the water and attempting to catch his breath, partly because he is tipsy from his visit to the bar, says to his well-meaning friend, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
Grandmom was reading from her large-print Jesus Bible to her grandson. When she turned the page to the full- sized picture, Michael suddenly got excited and began to jump up and down, shouting, "Grandmom, grandmom, He goes to our church."
A burglar breaks into a home and immediately heads up the stairs to the bedrooms when he suddenly encounters a talking parrot who starts yelling at him, "Jesus will get you, Jesus will get you."
He's startled for the moment until he realizes this is just a bird and continues his activities on the second floor. The parrot continues to irritate him by shouting, "Jesus will get you, Jesus will get you."
"Go away you dumb parrot," the man shouts back, "I'm not afraid of you or your Jesus."
On his way downstairs, the robber attempts to strike the bird who is still flying around and warning him at the same time. "Jesus will get you, Jesus will get you."
When the robber finishes searching the living and dining areas, he heads for the kitchen. As he opens the door, the largest and most vicious Rottweiler he has ever seen is standing in the doorway, growling with his open mouth showing his large teeth.
The last thing he hears the bird say is, "Sic him, Jesus!"
A young man goes to the doctor and he's asked, "What's wrong?"
"Doc, I have pain in every part of my body. Every place I touch hurts me."
The doctor says, "Show me what you mean."
The patient touches his forehead and jumps with pain. He touches his chest, and the doctor can see from his facial and body movements that he has pain. He presses on his abdomen, and he grimaces from the pain. He touches his legs and he yells with pain.
The doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you."
"What's wrong, doc?"
"You fractured your finger!"
A bird lover decides to buy a singing bird that has been a hidden desire of his for many years. The owner of the pet shop tells him, "I can sell you a bird that sings like Caruso, but it's very expensive. It will cost $475.00!"
The man decides to splurge, using his credit card, and takes the bird home. He is up all night listening to the bird. He is amazed, because it sings just like Caruso. He places his new pet on his kitchen table, and the beautiful singing soothes him to sleep. He wakes up in the morning with his head lying on the kitchen table. The bird is still singing.
As the man looks up, he notices that the bird has only one leg. When he realizes that the bird has this deformity, he calls the pet shop owner. "This bird you sold me really sings like Caruso, but did you know it only has one leg?"
There is a long pause on the other end of the line and the owner finally answers: "Well, what did you want, a singer or a dancer?"
Kevo the Great, a world-famous magician, goes to his doctor for his annual examination. After a series of routine tests and questions, the doctor takes a break and asks the patient about his magic act.
"What is your best trick?" he inquires.
"Sawing a woman in half," replies Kevo.
The doctor is impressed. "That sounds really difficult."
"No, it's quite easy; I've been doing it since I was ten."
"Really. Are there any more like you at home?"
"Just a half-sister."
Three women die in a car crash. St. Peter not only lets them see and hear the activities at their funerals, but also grants them the privilege to have the people say what each woman would like to hear.
The teacher wants to hear that she was the best teacher her students ever had and that they learned continuously and that her training helped them achieve their goals in life.
The realtor wants to hear that she was the best salesperson the company ever had, and that she not only sold more homes than anyone else, but the people realized that they received wonderful blessings from living in their new quarters she sold to them.
Then St. Peter asked the nurse what she would like to hear the mourners say, and she responded, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look, she's moving!' "
A man takes the last seat in the back of the theater, but he is too far from the screen to enjoy the movie. He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery and I have to watch it close up. Get me a front seat and I will give you a handsome tip."
So the usher moves him into the second row, and the man rewards him with a quarter. The usher looks at his tip for a second and then leans over and whispers in the man's ear,
"The wife did it!"
A man signs in at the doctor's office for an appointment. After waiting for an extremely long period of time, he gets up and tells the receptionist, "I will be back. I need to get a haircut."
She says, "The doctor will be with you shortly. Besides, why didn't you get a haircut before you came here?"
"I didn't need one when I came here."
A bus driver and a minister arrive together in Heaven. The minister is assigned to an old shack and has to walk everywhere with the minimal basics of life. The bus driver is driven to a mansion with the best accommodations of everything, including a chauffeur.
At the monthly heavenly conference meeting, the minister complains to St. Peter, "These accommodations are atrocious. Why should that bus driver live better than I do?"
St. Peter answers, "When you were a minister and preached, many people fell asleep during your sermons. When the bus driver drove, people would pray openly."
I asked the little girl that came into the office with her brother, "Do you guys pray before you eat?"
"No, we don't have to. My mom's a good cook. We do have to pray sometimes after we eat?"
You can have what you say!